Wow, first blog of the year!
We’ll i know I kinda left everthig hanging and in a bad shape last year.. i’m just happy to say that everything’s patched up.. A lot can be accomplished if both people just talk and listen :)
really, although i really did want to break up last year, he sort-of realized too that he did change and i on the other hand as getting to possessive.. but things are okay now, we’ve both learned to compromise and really listen.. not just hear, but truly listen and discern..
We spent Christmas together, watching movies and pigging too, lol.. and His borthday is comig up to — 02/03 and I really want to make it extra special!! i’m thinking of going personalized on everything but still going simple - like cakes, candles, balloons and go with the extra special on the gift itself.. I’ve got a ton of ideas but am not too sure if I could take a run on all of them!
but ayhow, wish me luck on this and if you have ideas you’d lie to share with me, please do let me know!
BLACK & WHITE TRAGEDIES.: 11/30/2011 ↘
I can sill remember that one fine day when you told me i was spending too much time with my friends. You said I was selfish. You said that you were lonely and you needed me more than the friends I’m with. And look where you’re at a year later. Doing exactly what you despised me of. you know what;s…
It’s been a while since i’ve blogged about us„
So recently we had this huge fight about how much my boyfie teases m a lot. He always call me round, chubby and worst, FAT. I have to admit that my biggest insecurity is my weight. I’ve battled anorexia when I was in High School. I’ve been maintaining my weight ever since. The last person who called me fat ended up winning. I dieted and starved myself to death back in college, i remember losing 10 pounds in 1 week. And i;m at it again. It’s gives me the idea that he doesn’t want me fat. He always goes admiring sexy-big-boobed girls, those typical barbie type figures that seem to good to be true. in the long run i’m believing him. I used to be happy with my physical appearance. Now, i’;m starting to doubt it.. AGAIN..
according to our psych teacher - we all have traits of each mental behavior. there’s practically nothing to worry about if you a bit of ocd-ness, or being paranoid or a bit of being borderline-ish. It’s quite a relief n my part since I’ve categorized myself under Borderline and I hate it but my boifie loves it - and i dunno why. He likes my being jealous, or my being fuzzy about little things. ♥
I’m really not that typical. but when it comes to HORMONAL CLIMATE changes, I am. Most females menstruate every month, i get my time just once a year. haha. or sometimes twice. which make my mood really hard to predict. Sometimes, i tell my boif that I hate him and I don’t wanna be with him anymore- but then while I;m saying that i’m hugging him uber tight. Other times, I’m just hugging him and holding him tighly as i can :)
we’ll be celebrating out 24th monthsary together next month and i am splurging already on stuffies to get him! We’ll be going to camotes and spend some quality time together - and of coursem create a whole new chapter of memories :)
i just loe you so much♥ i love that you tolerate my mood swnigs and just make me laugh when im so grumpy♥
last night, i watched TV for the longest time since highschool. i was once told that a couch potato is someone who has a lot of sad stories in their life thus, they result to watching television as an outlet for their feelings.
and ever since my family drama was cleared out back in 2nd year college, i ceased becoming one..until last night..
i found myself flipping from channel to channel - but only realizing tears has made rivers from each if my eye..
i’ve always wanted to be with someone who boosts my self esteem. you have no idea how many years i’ve suffered because of my seemingly low self confidence. i suffered anorexia for 4 yearsw [highschool], you don’t know that i look at carbs, weigh my food before i aet them and limit my intake to 5oo g of carbs each day for my whole highschool life. but then i, i got a hold of myself in college, realizing that i shouldn’t ruin myself to please others. i shouldn’t starve myself to become as sexy as others were - as sexy as those runway models or those in the teen magazines. for once, i stopped myself from this hunger, reformed and transformed myself to someone better - someone who accepts and loves myself more than anyone else.
and then i met you.
the first 4 months of our relationship was literally heaven, a blissful experience, so ethereal and perfect, i never thought of any bad thing coming along. you always wanted to hold my hand, hug me anywhere, kiss me n the forehead and we never argued. well, at least for the first few months.
and there came the time when you made fun of my appetite and my weight. you called me names my family or closest friends has ever called me. i knew you were just making fun of me, but you have no idea you were gain resurfacing the insecurities i had when i was a child. for the next 6 months, i tried so hard to ignore it, so hard to just laugh and just accepted it as one of your sweet endearments to me. but i how can i when i also Don’t Feel that you’re attracted to me as before?? the next thing i knew, i was starving myself again.
i took all these slimming pills, and 1 brand seemed to work - it made me loose my appetite and i was quite happy. although you weren’t happy coz i fell faint one day, you made me stop and i was sooo happy that time when you told me you were jut the way i was. so si stopped taking those blasted pills, also coz they were already banned and no longer available in the market. and then after that, until today, i feel so insecure about my weight.
don’t you think i know that you easily get arouse whenever someone hot passes by, or when you see some hot female on tv or for that matter, whenever we watch movies together?? and yesterday was turning point. you insulted me sooo much - no not by words, no. by just your physical language. gawd, i then realized everything has been slowly drifting away, and i just haven’t realize it.. im taking another bottle of pills, and again starving myself, and starting to measure my carb intake. i was so stuck with this surreal world of us, i was blinded so much.
you’re now always late when you’re picking me up, and you always said you’re tired or you’re not up to it, that im selfish and all that. but how bout me?? im tired too. but i wake up early around 3 pm (i work graveyard, go out by 6:30am, arrive home by 7:45) just to be with you. i appreciate your efforts - but they’re meaningless if you don’t have your heart into it. and yesterday. gawd. it was the worst.
people you love should make you feel proud of yourself - but you aren’t. you always compete with me and you HATE IT if i want to win. you just let me and you get mad at it. i can feel it. im a girl. my intuition stands out. you always satisfy yourself before me. whenever we’re both thristy, you drink first then i come second. gawd,i know these are little things, but the meaning of these are so great and grave.
i don’t know anymore. i cried myself last night because of these insecurities you make me feel.
ps. sorry for the typos. im writing in a jiffy, with no proof reading.
I NO LONGER FEEL MY BOYFRIEND FINDS ME HOT/ATTRACTIVE.
i just had to let this out of my chest :(
Yes i’m scared , yes i’m jealous . I’m scared that you think she’s pretty , i’m scared that you find her more interesting , i’m scared that you think she’s so much better than me , i’m scared that your gonna leave me soon . And yes i’m jealous that she gets to see you , i’m jealous that you talked to her , i’m jealous that you had fun with her . I’m scared .. i’m jealous . But that’s only because you mean alot to me .